Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I finished coding in Gates a couple hours ago — around 4:30 a.m. — and I wanted to head home to do some laundry and play some BioShock, and maybe sleep, before my group had to meet for our project at 9 a.m. I was working on the fifth floor (the ground floor? Sort of?) and I should’ve left by going across the rainbow bridge since I need to get to Craig Street, but on a whim I decided to leave by way of the helix. It just kept traveling down, and I thought it was taking much longer than it should’ve. Then the helix ended, and suddenly, inexplicably, I was in this huge grassy area that I’d never seen in my life. Where am I, and how did I get here? And how can I make sure to get home so that I can have clean underwear for later today?

Disorientedly,
Greatly Unnerved Now Since Dropped Off Nowhere, Trying not to Keel, Instead Looking Lamely and Ponderously for Escape Options Posthaste, Laundry Expressly Called for Since Dubious Olfactory Essences Seeping

Dear GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, CS DOES,

I feel your pain.… well, no, wait, I don’t. Music majors like me aren’t so masochistic — when we go home, we actually get some sleep. I guess our quantity of clean underwear suffers, but I’m going to assume we smell better in our natural state than you do.

My grasp on technical terminology is pretty weak, so bear with me here. Last year, the Gates helix existed outside of our notions of space and time — if you were foolish enough to traverse it, you’d likely be stuck on it for days, along with the packs of wild dogs that roam its heights.

Maintenance must have tried to fix this problem over the summer, but like everything that Carnegie Mellon tries to fix, it seems to be a botched job. They must have redirected the loop to a large space off campus — looks like it was probably somewhere in Schenley Park.

That place is huge, so your likelihood of making it home in time for laundry is slim to none. You’ll have to deal with going commando for another day yet.

Have you ever read House of Leaves?
Evan Kahn