Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Carnival is next week, and I’m really excited! ...except I don’t know exactly what Carnival entails. What’s the deal with Carnival? How can I best enjoy it?

Rarely Ever Tremendously Imbibed, Carnival Entices, Needs Tips Regarding Ensuing Vices, Easy Liquor, Eager Rampages


For most people at Carnegie Mellon, who don’t go out that much or only drink in moderation when they do, Carnival is the high point of the year. Students forget about the exams just around the corner, let their hair down, and go crazy for one weekend out of the whole year. Some even start drinking on Tuesday!

But for those of us who usually spend Tuesday nights in a bar, Carnival is a time when the people you try to get away from show up at your favorite haunts. The sorority girls are excited for those lemon drop shots, the dudes are shotgunning beer and awkwardly hitting on girls, and the programmers are getting drunk for the first time all year instead of making their kernel. But it’s Carnival, and all we can do is take another drink and enjoy their company.

What better way to celebrate than drinking yourself into oblivion?
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I just thought of this great new drinking game! I call it “Human Fortypede.” It’s a combination of Edward Fortyhands and The Human Centipede. I think it’s a great game, except no one wants to play it with me. How can I convince my friends to play it with me? I know they’ll love it once they give it a chance.

Guarantee Amazing Milieu, Entertaining Guests Until Zappy, Zingers Leave Everyone Reticent


That game sounds miserable. But as your intrepid advice columnist, I shall endeavor to advise you on tricking your friends into playing your awful drinking game.

The most likely method to succeed is the most straightforward one: tell your friends the drinks are free if they play the game. Nothing is more alluring than free booze. If you can convince some girls to play, I’m sure you’ll get some guys eager to play too. I would not suggest jumping your friends with duct tape and bottles of booze, no matter how appealing that may be.

Or play my drinking game: Shut up and drink,
Patrick Hoskins