Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I enjoy David Carradine’s movies a few nights a week. My friends are really judgmental of my hobby, but his films leave me feeling lightheaded and great. What can I do to convince my friends there’s nothing wrong with the occasional David Carradine?

Thanks,
Feeling Illicit, Latter’s Movies Banish Unusual Feelings Frequently

Dear FILM BUFF,

I’m sorry, but I just can’t encourage David Carradine fandom. Sure, you saw Kill Bill and thought he was great in it. Maybe it gives you more of a rush — leaves you feeling woozy. The next thing you know, it’s a few hours later and you have no recollection of what you’ve been doing — just a deep sense of shame and a desire to cover it up the next day.

Stay away from Carradine. There are many other, safer options out there that are just as fun. If Kill Bill is what got you started, explore the Tarantino oeuvre. If it was his ’70s martial arts series, try pivoting to some Bruce Lee films and The Green Hornet series. While they may not have the same illicit thrill of some of Carradine’s stuff, they will still leave you satisfied. Plus, Bruce Lee rocks. Just remember: No David Carradine, not even once.

Stay away from Bangkok hotels,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Wooooooooooooo!!! Carnival!!! Wooooooooo!!! Boooooth!!! Buuuuuggy!!! Wooooooooo!!! Carnival!!!

Thanks,
Want Orgiastic Opportunities, Otherwise, Optimistically, Offending Opposers Offer Other Obscene Oases Or Occasional Opiates

Dear WOOOOOOOOOOOOO,

Woo indeed. It’s finally Carnival, and I’m going to give you the trademarked Hoskins Personal Carnival Enjoyment Guide. First, skip every school-sponsored event. Booth is only enjoyable if you’re a thrill-seeker tempting fate when climbing to the third floor of a sorority’s disaster of a superstructure. Buggy is enjoyable until you realize it’s NASCAR for nerds, and as far as the concert goes, I doubt you can name more than one Lupe song.

So if the school events are a bust, what should you do? Well, what you’ve been doing all year: Roll out of bed, crack open a beer, and don’t stop until your reflection starts to look pretty good. Party like you go to Pitt. Dance like nobody’s watching. Play Edward Fortyhands and get in a shot-for-shot contest. Make a lot of bad decisions.

Do something dumb enough to earn a nickname,
Patrick Hoskins