Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

On the way back from my spring break road trip, I bought some “legal” fireworks. Nothing too crazy — just some M-80s and Roman candles they were selling behind a gas station in Tennessee at 4 a.m. How can I make the best use of these? I would prefer to keep all my fingers and stay out of jail, so keep that in mind.

Thanks,
Freely Igniting Rogue Explosives, Careful, Rockets Are Cool, Kids Enjoy Detonations

Dear FIRECRACKED,

Nothing lights up a young man’s heart more than fireworks. Not fame, fortune, or a sidelong glance from a lovely lady. No, that rocket’s red glare as it burst in the sky reminds you that this is America: Our national anthem has explosions and so should our daily lives! You can pry my cherry bombs out of my cold, dead hands, Obama!

Though it may seem like a fun and hilarious mix, you should keep fireworks and alcohol away from each other. Sure, alcohol makes everything better, but you probably want to be thinking straight when you play with explosives. Before you do anything, just think to yourself, “Does this sound like the first half of a Darwin Award nomination?”

Be sure to put it on YouTube too,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

A while ago, you wrote about your amazing dance moves. I added them into my rotation, but women have not yet started throwing themselves at me. Are your dance moves all they’re chalked up to be? If women aren’t throwing themselves at me, how am I supposed to dance with them? And don’t say something crazy like walk up to them.

Thanks,
Shimmying Obnoxiously Lonely, Other Temptresses Avoid, Need Gamboling Opinions

Dear SOLO TANGO,

Hold your horses right there, bucko. Don’t go throwing blame on my famous dance moves, renowned throughout multiple states. Clearly you are not dancing properly. How much are you waving your arms around? If the answer’s not “a lot,” you’re doing it wrong. You should stop just short of punching your neighbors in the face. Nothing rocks harder than an epileptic fit.

If the women are somehow resisting your amazing moves, which I must stress is impossible, then you may have to show some initiative. Once you’ve got people’s attention, you can show them how you trip the light fantastic.

Just don’t actually trip,
Patrick Hoskins