Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I think a girl in some of my classes thinks I’m stalking her. (Before we get started, I’m not.) We had a couple of classes together at first, but I switched up my schedule and now she’s in every one of my classes. How can I prove I’m not a stalker? She lives on the sixth floor of Morewood in D-Tower.

Ignorantly Trailing Schoolmate And Need A Convincing Cover Idea; Despite Exterior, Not Trying It; She’s Worried; Eagerly Awaiting Response


Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. When I was a first-year in E-Tower, I used to watch people out my window, which some people thought was kind of creepy. I guess watching through a newspaper with eyeholes cut in it didn’t really help. My point is, I wasn’t intentionally trying to creep people out, and neither are you.

With all that in mind, you should totally start stalking her. My life motto is “in for a penny, in for a pound.” That’s why I black out every weekend. She already thinks you’re a stalker, so you might as well stalk her. You seem to be doing a pretty good job already.

A restraining order’s a great excuse for skipping class,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Some friends of mine threw a party last week, and they didn’t invite me! Apparently I’m banned from their apartment for life. All I did was puke all over their kitchen at the last party! And their bathtub. I mean, I even left two dollars for cleaning stuff. What can I do to get back at them?

Unfortunately Need To Avenge Complete Taboo I Cannot Accept, Lifetime Castigation Hurting Unfairly Now, Despite Elapsed Ralphing


You are the worst kind of person. Is it so hard to puke in the bathroom? You know it’s coming. No one is ever really surprised by vomit. You always feel it welling up in your stomach, bubbling like a witch’s cauldron. And you only left two dollars!?!? What did you do after that, kick their puppy on your way out? You can’t even buy Lysol for two bucks.

If you insist on getting back at them, you can try throwing a counter-party in protest. Same night, same time, with all the other people who were banned. And go to an ATM. Two dollars? Seriously? You’re like a real-life Britta.

Community’s comin’ back!
Patrick Hoskins