Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m tired of this whole school thing. Can I just become a trophy wife already? I’m pretty burnt out, and I think I have what it takes. Help me make this work.

Wanting Attention Now, Need Affluent Beau, Erstwhile Work Is Feeling Enough


Not all of us are lucky enough to get by on our good looks (otherwise, I’d be out of a job). But maybe you’re one of the lucky few. Normally, I would say something about how you shouldn’t choose a lifestyle where you’re only judged based on your looks — but as a feminist, I will support you and tell you exactly how to go about it.

Your best bet is probably picking up tennis and hanging around a country club. Lots of trophy wives will already be there, and they can give you some tips for breaking into the business. Alternatively, you could head out to the yacht club if you’re the seafaring type. If you’re not into old men, you could try latching onto a CS major with a startup idea. He’ll be happy enough to have the attention that he won’t question your motives. Although an old man would probably be more tolerable.

Or join a Russian dating website (as a Russian),
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m graduating soon and need to find a replacement for my job. There’s this one guy who’s actively gunning for the job, but he’s being a little creepy about it. He’s left notes saying stuff like “I will become you!” and I think he wants to eat my still-beating heart. How do I know if he’s the right man for the job?

Reluctantly Evicted, Personally Lacking Adequate Claimant, Erudition Desired


Choosing a replacement is a hard task. I would suggest your employers leave your position open in perpetuity. I mean, who could fill your shoes?

But if they don’t go for it, there’s only one solution: a series of challenges! Whoever completes them will prove himself worthy of being your replacement. He must be wise, resilient, soulful, and good with puns. The cinnamon challenge, to test his wisdom. The gallon challenge, his resilience. Watching The Iron Giant, his soul. Last and most important of all, comes the Com-pun-tition. If he can pass these trials, then he may be worthy.

Or just give it to whomever asks,
Patrick Hoskins