Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Running Linux was the only thing keeping me from spending all my free time playing video games, but Steam for Linux just came out, and now I’m worried I’ll spend all my time playing games instead of going to class — or, more importantly, bars. What can I do to resist the Steam sale’s siren song?

Thanks,
Uselessly Laboring, Yearning Silencing Steam’s Endless Serenade

Dear ULYSSES,

As far as I know, there are only two known methods for resisting a siren’s song: Stuff your ears with wax or tie yourself to a ship’s mast. Metaphorically, of course. Stuffing your ears with wax would mean uninstalling Steam and all those games. Pretend you’ve never heard of it. Wait to install it again until after the semester is over. But the dulcet tones of cheap games are already ringing in your ears.

The only solution, then, is to have your crewmen strap you to the mast — in other words, willpower — by which I mean having friends willing to drag you to class and bars. I know, friends suck. But it must be done! If you keep strong, you may finally lay eyes on your sweet Penelope. By which I mean some drunk chick at a bar.

Reading The Odyssey in high school is finally paying off,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m interested in these two dudes and can’t choose between them. Worse still, they’re friends, and I don’t want to do anything to mess up their friendship. I think I’d have a shot with either one; all that’s left to do is choose. How?

Thanks,
Either Valentine Excites Romantic Yearning, Requires Organizing My Choices Or May Shortly Terminate Any Romance

Dear EVERY ROM COM STAR,

Why choose? Hey, man, it’s the 21st century; we’re pretty free-wheeling. You’re all consenting adults (hopefully), and as long as they’re cool with it, you may not have to choose. Don’t worry about ruining their friendship. You’ll make them more than friends: You’ll make them Eskimo brothers.

Okay, maybe you’re not down with that. Or they’re not. (Bunch of squares. Did Austin Powers teach us nothing?) Either way, you’ll actually have to choose. You could make a pro/con list, or actually get to know them, or whatever. But if they’re really so interchangeable that you can’t choose, then you may as well just flip a coin. That’s how I solve all my difficult decisions, like which bar to go to.

The answer’s the one with cheap beer,
Patrick Hoskins