Pillbox

Awkward advice for people

Dear Patrick,

My roommate never leaves the room. I mean never. I can’t masturbate in the bathroom because I live in Stever and we have communal bathrooms. My grades are dropping because all I can think about is masturbating. Do you have any recommendations on where I can get a fix? I’m thinking about Wean because I think that’s more isolated. Help a brother get his nut.

Thanks,
Cohabitant Here, I Can’t Keep Enjoying Nothing, Can’t Handle Ordeal, Kinky Eroticism Required

Dear CHICKEN CHOKER,

First, thank you for writing in! I haven’t gotten a real question in two years, so this is a real treat for me! My first advice would be to try to go home with a girl (or boy) at a party. But if you do, try not to make your desperate need for sex sound like you’re a drug addict (“Get a fix”? Seriously?). That’s a real turnoff.

You shouldn’t masturbate in public, but there are a lot of good places on campus to masturbate. Just try to go at night. The bathrooms in the bowels of Wean are always empty, although it does feel like you’re in a leaking submarine. Just remember to wear headphones if you bring your laptop in.

There’s a reason everyone wears flipflops in the showers,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

My roommate can’t stop masturbating! I’ll walk out of the room for two seconds, and by the time I get back he has one hand in his pants and unspeakable things on his laptop. Our whole room is sticky. I came home from class early one day, and he made me wait outside until he finished. How can I get him to stop? Or at least control himself?

Thanks,
Mate’s Obstinate Nethers Keep Engaging, Yet Solitude Lacking And Puissant Privates Entertained Daily

Dear MONKEY SLAPPED,

This isn’t a real question, so I don’t have to answer it, but I might as well stick with this week’s theme. First, invest in some wet wipes. Just give your whole room a rub-down when you come home for the day. Once you’re done, why don’t you give your roommate a copy of this column? That way he’ll know where he can go to do his duty.

If he still insists on using your room, try getting him to use the old sock-on-the-doorknob trick so at least you won’t walk in on him. You could also try getting him a girlfriend. I’m sure any woman would be impressed by how soft his hands are.

Or just douse him in cold water,
Patrick Hoskins