Advice for awkward people

Hey Ryan & Matt,
I’ve been getting all these spam emails about some important faculty member getting appointed to all these national academic committees. I got one a few weeks ago about his appointment to the Institute of Medicine. Big deal — so the guy is a doctor. Why does all of Carnegie Mellon need to know about every award he collects?

I Loathe Loading Mail About Nobodies, Need Education Regarding Elected Despots

The individual collecting all of these awards is none other than Carnegie Mellon’s new president, Subra Suresh. As we read from his Wikipedia page, he is one of only 16 Americans — and the only current president of a university —to be a member of the big three national academies: the Institute of Medicine, the National Academy of Sciences, and the National Academy of Engineering. If you are interested in learning more about this man, we hear his inauguration has scheduled a campus-wide celebration for this Thursday, with an invite-only dinner to follow at the Omni William Penn Hotel in Downtown. If you crash, you’ll find out exactly what his policy regarding pesky students entails.

Bring us back some punch,
Matt & Ryan

Dear Matt & Ryan,
I’m a senior, hoping to graduate this spring. Unfortunately, there is one class that I just cannot seem to pass for the life of me. I’ve taken it every semester, and every time the final comes around I totally bomb it. I only go to, like, one of the classes anyway but I pass all the quizzes! I just don’t understand what’s going on. This is the last class I need to pass to graduate!

Cursing A Terrible Class, Missing Inconsequential-Seeming Marks, Yet Bound And Needing End

Dude. Come on. You’ve got this. If the class is really all based on one final test, then just study like hell the day before. And if you’ve really taken this class every year, you should have this in the bag! Our guess is that you’re either not putting forth the effort required, or you secretly want to stay here another year. Or two. Or indefinitely. But if you want to get out of here then knuckle under and do it. Or make a portal to a different dimension where you don’t need this one class to graduate. But then you might cause catastrophic results throughout the multiverse, so be careful. Also, you should double check if your credits will transfer.

Worst-case scenario, escape to Canada,
Ryan & Matt