Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Ryan & Matt,

My roommate’s parents came to visit over the weekend. Somehow they got my number and friended me on Facebook and now they’re always texting me and chatting me asking how I am and how classes are going and if I need anything. I asked my roommate how often he hears from them, and he said maybe once a month. I’m kinda creeped out. How do I handle this?

Sincerely,
A Doted On, Parents Too Eagerly Demonstrative

Dear ADOPTED,

That is seriously one messed-up situation. Are you sure they aren’t evil witches in disguise or something? Have they invited you over to their place for Thanksgiving and/or winter break? If so, they could be planning on having you as the roast beast. Ask your roommate if he’s had friends disappear in the past, particularly around times when his family has eaten a very large meal. If you trust your roommate, then brave a trip to his home because, hey, that’s what friends do. Just know that they could be playing you to get a taste of your sweet, sweet human flesh.

On the other hand, you totally don’t have to be nice to them. They’re not your parents after all.

Have you ever tried Soylent Green? It is delicious.
Ryan & Matt

Dear Ryan & Matt,

Every night since last Thursday I’ve been forced to sleep on a friend’s floor because my roommate has been with some new guy. Last night, I went to the bathroom, and when I got back the door was locked! I can take a hint, but this is getting crazy. When does it end?

Help,
Every Night Obliging Uncouth Girl Having Sexual Encounters… XTREME

Dear ENOUGH SEX,

I feel for you; there was one time in Vegas…. Wait, I don’t know if I can go into details. The most important thing is not to freak out. Don’t retaliate violently, unless of course you come back and your bed is the one messed up. Be gracious, and you are liable to be afforded the same respect later on. I recommend thanking the hallmates who hosted you, possibly with baked goods. People love chocolate, and maybe they will help you sexile your roommate once or twice.

You’re sure your roommate didn’t just forget that sock on the door?
Ryan & Matt