Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

The love of my life, a.k.a. my favorite bartender, is gone! No one pours beer or mixes gin and tonics like her. Sure, our relationship consisted of exchanging money for drinks and the occasional small talk, but it meant something, dammit! How do I go on?

Thanks,
Oh No! ’Tender Has Emigrated, Replacement Obviously Cannot Keep Satisfied

Dear ON THE ROCKS,

I know it’s hard, but you’re going to have to move on. There are a lot of other great bartenders out there, looking for regulars of their own. Sure, you may get your heart broken again, but you’ll come back stronger. You can drink your troubles away and meet a new bartender all in one go!

But let’s say you’re not ready to move on. You stumble home after visiting yet another disappointing bartender, missing your old flame, and thinking about finding her. Lucky for you, there’s the new Facebook Graph Search©! With this handy dandy web feature, you can just look up “former bartenders in Pittsburgh who moved to New York recently” and everyone matching that description will come up! Then just find her new job or hangout, show up, and ask for a drink! Why should stalking be limited to just ex-girlfriends?

Don’t actually do this,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I recently appeared on the rap track of an up-and-coming local musician. I’m not really familiar with the “hip-hop” scene (I’m not really a fan of jumping), but I’m sure I will soon be quite famous. What can I do to further my burgeoning career? Keep in mind I have no actual talent or knowledge.

Thanks,
Track Has A Tremendous Secondary And Requires A Perusal

Dear THATS A RAP,

First, congratulations on your appearance! I’m sure you’ll be the breakout star of an incredibly popular album. Now that you’re famous, you’re going have to do something to stay in the limelight. I suggest becoming a “hype man.” All you gotta do is keep the crowd excited (or “hyped up”), and in return, you get to hang out with guys who are actually talented.

First, you have to wear some ridiculous clothes and a ton of bling. Second, you should figure out what you’re supposed to do. Basically, whenever the lead dude stops to breathe, just yell out the last thing he said or whatever else comes to mind. Pretty soon you’ll be one of the 20 guys “featured” in a Kanye track.

If Flavor Flav can do it, so can you,
Patrick Hoskins