Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I have two roommates — let’s call them “Sam” and “Bruce.” Recently, Bruce claimed Sam is a more considerate roommate than I am. That’s a bunch of bull. I’m very considerate. I’m so considerate that I take a moment every couple of days just to stop and say to myself, “Wow, that was really thoughtful of you.” How can I make Bruce admit this? Sam has a smug look on his face.

Thanks,
Requesting Opportunities Of Majorly Improving Esteem

Dear ROOMIE,

We’re gonna get considerate all up in here. Order some delicious food, and then put it in some pots and pans so it looks like you just cooked it. Then say, “Oh, hey Bruce. I made all this delicious food, and I can’t eat it all myself. Would you like some?” Still not enough? Wait until five minutes before he gets home, and then start vacuuming somewhere prominent. “Oh, hey Bruce. Didn’t see you there. I was just doing some of my weekly cleaning.” Or, “Oh, hey Bruce. I just got this Groupon to the strip club across the street. I have to do homework all night, but the coupon is expiring! Why don’t you check it out and take all these singles with you?” Instantly most considerate roommate.

Or just keep not being considerate. That’s a lot easier,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m a fan of going out to bars and dancing all night long. After so many years of dance lessons, I have some pretty sweet moves. The only problem is that the ladies seem to disagree. I break out my best moves, and they just head for the hills. Why don’t they like my hip gyrations?

Thanks,
Lack Effortless Feet Tapping, Females Evading Every Time

Dear LEFT FEET,

Okay, let’s start with the basics. Step to your left, then your right. Repeat. Now, form fists with your hands and extend your pointer fingers. Wave them around in the air. If you want to mix it up, try holding a beer in one hand. If you’re feeling crazy, you can close your eyes and wave your head around, and if you’re limber enough, bounce in the air a little bit.

Once you’ve gotten everyone’s attention, it’s time to start dancing with someone. First, find someone you like. Then, awkwardly sidle up to them. Avoid eye contact at all costs. That way, you come off as mysterious. If things are going well, then dance around them in a circle like a leprechaun around his pot of gold. Guaranteed success; it never fails.

Actually it fails a lot,
Patrick Hoskins