Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I had a couple of interviews with this company. I thought we were really hitting it off, but then they stopped returning my calls. Did I do something wrong? I’ve sent the company a couple of emails, but no response. Am I doing something wrong?

Thanks,
Jilted Obnoxiously By Some Teasing Recruiter Using Career Knowledge

Dear JOBSTRUCK,

Hey man, you’re just going to have to face it: The company turned you down. I know, I know; things may have seemed to be going well, but there was trouble in paradise. The company just couldn’t keep its eyes from wandering. You may feel betrayed, but that’s just how the game is played. You guys never DTR’ed (Defined The Relationship); that’s the key step. Don’t expect anything ’til you sign that contract.

Now you just need to get back on that horse. Sure, it would have been better if the company had called you and let you know that you two were over, but it’s just easier if they stop returning your calls. Now it’s time for you to play the field and send out some résumés. There’s a company out there for you; just keep looking. Find some place with good chemistry and nice health benefits.

But at the end of the night, don’t be afraid to settle,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’ve spent the last day in bed. I can’t think of a good reason to get up. I don’t have class today, I have my laptop with me, and there’s some food within reach. Give me a reason to not be such a lazy slob.

Thanks,
Comfortable, Overstuffed Mattress Attracts Today, Only Sleeping Eternally

Dear COMATOSE,

I’m confused; why would you want to get out of bed? I mean, that sounds pretty good to me. The only thing you really need to worry about is bed sores. But as long as you’re not in there for a week straight, I think you’ll be fine. The one argument I can give you is that you should go and experience the outdoors. For the next month or so, Pittsburgh will have the best weather it’ll have had all year. It’ll be cool enough that you won’t break into a sweat when you step outside, but warm enough that you won’t need five layers of sweaters.

Pittsburgh in the fall is beautiful. I know the outdoors can be scary, but it’s worth it. In another two months, it’ll be too cold and snowy to go out and do anything. That’s when you stay in bed all day with some hot chocolate.

Or just say you’re practicing corpse pose,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.