March 21 - April 19
You’ll chill out this week once you realize the Ares you were thinking of doesn’t have an “i.” You’ll settle for rooting for St. Louis, even though being worshiped in Sparta would’ve been nice.
Apr. 20 - May 20
Living up to your name, you’ll be doing a lot of bullsh*tting this week.
May 21 - June 21
That Parent Trap-type scheme you and your sibling were preparing has already been anticipated. It’s best to move on to Plan B and disguise yourselves as Schwarzenegger and DeVito, à la Twins.
June 22 - July 22
After the zip-tie incident, you’ll be really glad you’re a giant crab and not a malignant neoplasm.
July 23 - Aug. 22
You’ll soon find that your status as King of the Jungle will be called into question when the elephants demand to see your long-form birth certificate.
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Drop the act. We all know that you’re not a Virgin — Virgin Mobile user, that is. Your iPhone is always on full display. Try being more discreet about it this week.
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
Unfortunately for you, the scales are decidedly not in your favor this week. Maybe getting involved with some social justice issues will tip them back into balance.
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Try not to poison as many people with your tail in the future, or you may well end up in one of those weird novelty lollipops you’ve heard so much about.
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Despite current economic conditions, job opportunities are on the rise for you. Dressage is getting big these days, and if that doesn’t work out, you’d be perfect for the NYPD’s Mounted Unit (provided you don’t snicker at the name).
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Your swimming lessons shouldn’t be too baaaaaad, but the cans you plan on eating later may get soggy.
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
The only “dawning of the age” you’ll be experiencing this week is when it dawns on you how old you have to be to get this reference — or you’re in CFA. Either way, you will feel slightly bereft of energy at the thought.
Feb. 19 - March 20
Something’s fishy about your future prospects. Stick to the rivers and streams that you’re used to.