Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

You’ll chill out this week once you realize the Ares you were thinking of doesn’t have an “i.” You’ll settle for rooting for St. Louis, even though being worshiped in Sparta would’ve been nice.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Living up to your name, you’ll be doing a lot of bullsh*tting this week.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

That Parent Trap-type scheme you and your sibling were preparing has already been anticipated. It’s best to move on to Plan B and disguise yourselves as Schwarzenegger and DeVito, à la Twins.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

After the zip-tie incident, you’ll be really glad you’re a giant crab and not a malignant neoplasm.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You’ll soon find that your status as King of the Jungle will be called into question when the elephants demand to see your long-form birth certificate.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Drop the act. We all know that you’re not a Virgin — Virgin Mobile user, that is. Your iPhone is always on full display. Try being more discreet about it this week.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Unfortunately for you, the scales are decidedly not in your favor this week. Maybe getting involved with some social justice issues will tip them back into balance.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Try not to poison as many people with your tail in the future, or you may well end up in one of those weird novelty lollipops you’ve heard so much about.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Despite current economic conditions, job opportunities are on the rise for you. Dressage is getting big these days, and if that doesn’t work out, you’d be perfect for the NYPD’s Mounted Unit (provided you don’t snicker at the name).

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Your swimming lessons shouldn’t be too baaaaaad, but the cans you plan on eating later may get soggy.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

The only “dawning of the age” you’ll be experiencing this week is when it dawns on you how old you have to be to get this reference — or you’re in CFA. Either way, you will feel slightly bereft of energy at the thought.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Something’s fishy about your future prospects. Stick to the rivers and streams that you’re used to.