Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I went out on a couple of dates with this girl right before school ended for the summer, and I thought we hit it off pretty well. But over the course of the summer we drifted apart. What’s the best way to remind her that I’m totally awesome and she’s really missing out?

Semester Upon Me, Must Engage Romantic Lady Attention Conundrum, Knowing Input Needed


First of all, it’s good that you know that you’re a total stud. I mean, c’mon, look at you! You must drive the ladies wild. So, naturally, you probably drove this lady wild. Now’s the time to put that confidence to good use.

There are two approaches you can take: Make the first move and call her up to hang out, or wait until you bump into her. The former move demonstrates total confidence, but if she’s forgotten how dashing you are, she might think you’re coming on too strong. I’d recommend the latter. It lets you scope out how she feels while you lay on the charm. Either way, you’ll have to step up your wooing game. It’s hard enough getting a woman once, let alone twice.

Or just cut your losses and let the rest of womankind have a shot with you,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I just finished my summer internship, and they gave me a job offer! I’m really excited about it, but none of my friends have gotten job offers yet. What’s the best way to gloat about it?

Highly Inconspicuously Revealing Employment Despite Friends’ Irritating Results, Totally Showboating


Congratulations! As the first to be employed among your friends, you get the grand honor of getting to buy the first round of beers at the bar! Every time. Get used to hearing, “Hey man, you have a job, but I’m still unemployed. You’re flush! Help a brother out.” If you don’t, you’re cheap.

But don’t worry — I’m here to help. First, never mention any hiring or signing bonus. Don’t bring up the job in casual conversation — that just reminds them you have money to spare. Instead, just casually mention how bad the job market is with a knowing smirk. Offer to help your friends with their résumés in a condescending tone, or accept buying a round as the price for your gloating.

Or cheer them up by reminding them that at least they’re not in CFA and permanently unemployed,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.