Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m the first of my siblings to go to college, so my parents drove me up to school in their RV to move in. But now they’re refusing to leave. They told me they want to make sure I “get settled” and my dad keeps sliding me condoms and telling me to just use the RV if my roommate won’t leave. How can I get rid of them?

Thanks,
Help! Elders Loiter Incredibly Conspicously, Offer Prophylactics Tirelessly, Embarrass Repeatedly

Dear HELICOPTER,

Just go ahead and hand this over to your parents. They’re probably reading this anyway, since you’re too busy hanging up those lame posters you carefully picked out so everyone would think you’re cool and musical.

Mom and Dad, here’s the deal. Your kid’s going to mess up... a lot. Let him. Now’s the best time to do it. And you’ll have to do this for every kid, so get used to it. By the end, you’ll be kicking them out. I was the youngest of four, and my parents threw a party after I left; there was cake and champagne. Look at it this way: With all the kids out of the house, you’ll finally have some privacy.

If all else fails, remember: When the van’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

It’s the first day of Orientation, and I’m really excited to meet all these new people! Orientation seems like so much fun, and I already LOVE my OCs! Do you have any tips for getting the most out of this week?

Thanks,
Desperately Interested Surrounding Orientation, Requesting Interesting, Entertaining, Necessary Tidbits, Encouragement, Direction

Dear DISORIENTED,

You need to know something: Orientation sucks. Since I’m the only upperclassman you’re going to hear from this week who’s not either a) an Orientation Counselor or b) someone who came back to school early to try to sleep with first-years (note that those two aren’t mutually exclusive), I have an obligation to lay it all out for you.

Really, most of the Orientation events are pretty boring. My best advice is to go to the events you find interesting and skip the rest.

Oh, and that “trying to sleep with first-years” part wasn’t a joke. Just remember, condoms cost a quarter at Student Health.

But seriously, upperclassmen are creepy,
Patrick Hoskins (upperclassman)

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