Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Help! I’m stranded on an island by myself in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I managed to save a pen, a piece of paper, and a bottle from the plane crash, and I’m using them to send you this one message. You’re my only hope. My question is: How do you eat a coconut? Please help, I’m starving.

Warmest regards,
Witlessly Isolated, Lost Sole Obvious Nourishment


Luckily for you, I’ve seen Cast Away at least 10 times. I’ll put a copy of the DVD in a bottle and see if I can get it to you. First, you need to get a big rock, then you need to smash the coconut with it. That’s pretty much all you need to do. More importantly, though, you can use the liquid (or “coconut water”) to make booze. And that’s really what you need on a desert island.

Sadly, you need yeast to ferment any alcohol, and that’s probably in short supply. That explains why Tom Hanks didn’t spend the entire movie wasted. Well, maybe he did, he just pulled it together on screen. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I really have no idea, but I love Hanks. The dude’s great. In fact, I think I’ll send you all his DVDs to entertain you while you await rescue.

You do have a DVD player, right?
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m nursing a wicked hangover. I have a pounding headache, horrible stomachache, and I can’t move. I regret everything that led me to this point. Not enough to change my behavior, though. Do you have any tips for recovering? I need to know soon so I can keep drinking.

Painfully Alcohol Ravaged, Tonight Tempts With Opportunity


Well, you could just drink less. Ha! I’m kidding; that’d be crazy. Everyone has their own hangover cure, and most of them don’t work. Personally, I like a bagel after a night out. It won’t make you feel better, but bagels are delicious. The classic strategy is to drink some of what you drank last night. You won’t feel hungover if you’re still drunk.

But at the end of the day, the best way to cure a hangover is to stop it from ever happening. Drink a lot of water while you’re drinking. The rule of thumb is one glass of water for every drink. The next morning just pop a couple aspirin and you’ll be ready to hit the bars again. Just don’t forget to drink water.

Don’t let a little pain stop you from drinking,
Patrick Hoskins

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