Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I have a girlfriend and it’s been going great. But whenever she’s feeling glum, she’ll send me a text asking me to cheer her up. I try my best, sending messages like, “The sun will expand into a red giant in 5 billion years and consume the Earth.” But she just gets angry at these texts. Am I doing something wrong?

Thanks,
Tirelessly, Enthusiastically Xchanging Tender, Uplifiting Anecdotes, Lover Hates Epistles And Letters, I Need Guidance

Dear TEXTUAL HEALING,

Frankly, I don’t know why those texts wouldn’t cheer her up. Nothing makes me appreciate my life more than daily reminders of the futility of the human endeavor. But I guess your girlfriend is a different sort of bird. She probably wanted something more along the lines of, “I can’t wait to see you tonight” or, “Here’s a puppy in a bow tie.” If she’s like this, I recommend stocking up on cute animal pictures.

If that doesn’t work, then we know the problem: She’s clearly a robot, and her depression is caused by her lack of a soul and confusion about her place in the universe. You just need to let her compute through it and she’ll either get out of her funk or destroy humanity.

Or reprogram her to love puppies in bow ties,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I was selected to be an OC next year, and I’m really looking forward to guiding all those first-years through their first couple weeks here. It’s my first time, and I want to make sure I do a good job. Do you have any tips for being an OC?

Thanks,
Desperate to Inspire Students, Organize Residents; I Emphatically Need Tips, Encouragement, Direction

Dear DISORIENTED,

Being an OC is a great honor. You have been selected to be enthusiastic and wear the same clothes for a week (that’s pretty much the extent of your responsibilities). Now you need to learn the things you can’t do.

First, you can’t hit on your residents. I know, I know, that’s the main reason you became an OC. But you’re not allowed to do it. You also can’t drink or party with your residents — at least during Orientation. The one thing you really do need to do is aggressively recruit your residents to join whatever Greek organization you’re a part of. That’s “technically” not allowed, but don’t let that stop you. Follow these rules and you’re sure to be an adequate OC!

Just be sure to start ignoring them after Orientation,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.