Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

My friend can’t help himself around women, especially when he’s been drinking. He usually just makes an ass of himself, but recently he keeps going after the same women as me. Last time he started off trying to wingman me and wound up spending the night with her. What’s the most acceptable form of punishment?

Babes Lacking, Other Chap Keeps Enchanting Dames


Your friend sounds like a terrible wingman. He seems to have skipped over that entire chapter in the Bro Code. However, his actions could just be because of poor communication. In that case, make sure he knows what girl you’re interested in and vice-versa so there’s no conflict.

Now that may help you in the future, but he still needs to know that there are consequences for his previous actions. As the bigger man, you won’t hold a grudge, but you may want to remind him that accidents do happen. Maybe his brakelines get cut. Maybe he wakes up with a doll’s head in his bed. Maybe his face just accidentally runs into your fist.

It’s not assault if he deserves it,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I recently graduated, but came back to Carnegie Mellon for Spring Carnival. While here, I can’t help running into people I didn’t want to see or talk to. How can I avoid them in the future without seeming rude?

Just Avoiding Greetings, Otherwise Feeling Flustered


You have a few options. First, you can just never come to Carnegie Mellon again. This is probably the easiest option, but you may miss out on some important events, like your brother’s graduation. That might not matter to you, but you probably don’t want to deal with your parents’ yelling.

Instead, try projecting the right attitude. The key is to seem busy. However, that may be harder than it looks. All you have to do is appear angry. Angry people always have something to do, and no one wants to spend time with them. Just apologize angrily and say you have to go. They’ll be too put off to keep talking.

If it worked for George Costanza, it’ll work for you,
Patrick Hoskins

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