Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Last week, I played “dizzy bat” — a game that involves a hollow wiffle ball bat, spinning around in a circle, and swinging at a can tossed in your general direction — and sprained my ankle. How can I use my sprained ankle to pick up chicks?

Thanks,
Usually Not Comically Out Of Rational Decisions, I Need Anything To Ensnare Damsels

Dear UNCOORDINATED,

A sprained ankle is one of the worst injuries you can get — there’s nothing sexy about it. The only way to make this work is with the story, and your story sucks.

Instead, start telling them this story: “The other day I was walking home after volunteering at the hospital when I saw a puppy with a hurt paw trying to cross the road. Then a giant SUV came barreling down the road, and the driver didn’t notice the puppy. So I dove into the street to rescue the puppy, but I twisted my ankle in a pothole. I then delivered the puppy into the waiting arms of a little girl whose dad had just been shipped off to Afghanistan. As she clutched the puppy to her heart, she whispered, ‘Thank you, sir; you’re a real hero, just like my daddy.’ ” That story has everything liberal college girls love to get self-righteous about.

THAT story will get you laid,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’ve heard a lot about the show Game of Thrones, and the new season just premiered. But I’m not sure if I should watch it. What do you think? Should I watch it?

Sincerely,
Too Lazy To Make An Acronym, Gonna Go Drink

Dear TLTMAAGGD,

Game of Thrones has it all: sex, incest, violence, incest, and a lot of incest. It has great acting, fantastic writing, and beautiful directing. And tasteful incest. The second season has just started, so you may have some qualms about getting into it. You should definitely watch the first season beforehand. Once you’ve finished the incest-filled first season, you can start the less-incest-filled second season. There are giant wolves, zombies, dragons, and that chick from 300.

Once you’ve become obsessed with the universe of the TV series, you can start on the books. They have all the details the show leaves out. The books are full to the brim of maps, chronologies, and incest. The writing is great, and at least 50 percent of it is descriptions of food. Plus, you’ll get to say, “The book was better.”

Plus Peter Dinklage is a boss,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.