Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

What’s the most cost-effective way to stay drunk for all of Spring Carnival? I have no work, no class, no money, and no friends. Help me get drunk as cheaply as possible.

Sincerely,
Consuming Highly Economical Alcohols Potentially, Otherwise Will Imbibe Natty Only

Dear CHEAP-O WINO,

There are a few general rules of thumb when it comes to drinking cheaply. First, avoid beer. It will fill you up quickly and won’t get you that drunk. Second, stay out of bars. They have a huge markup. If you want to go, pre-game. Third, if you go to a party, avoid jungle juice.

So, after careful analysis, the most cost effective way to get drunk is... Franzia. Specifically, a box of Franzia red wine. At 13.6 percent alcohol by volume and coming in a five-liter box for less than $10, it’s the best deal there is. It also comes with several drinking games ready to go: Tour de Franzia, in which you wear a bike helmet and drink Franzia, and Slap the Bag, in which you take the bag of wine out of the box, slap it, drink it, and then pass it around (these are both more fun when you’re drunk). Follow these tips and you’ll have a cheap, drunk time.

Plus getting drunk on wine is pretty classy,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

It’s Spring Carnival again, and that means one thing: booth sex. Do you have any tips for doing the deed in a shoddy wooden shack?

Thanks,
Busily Organizing Orgasmic Times, Hidden Booth Activities Needed, Guidance Eagerly Requested

Dear BOOTH BANGER,

Booth sex is one of the oldest Spring Carnival traditions. However, it comes with its own dangers: public indecency arrests, collapsing booths, general em-bare-ass-ment, and splinters. The key is to get in, do the deed quickly, and get out. Luckily, one of those shouldn’t be a problem. First, you need to scope out a good booth. Take the first day of Carnival to find a good one. It needs to be sturdy and have a few good hiding spots. Stay away from Kappa Alpha Theta’s booth — it’s always on the verge of collapse.

Once you’ve found a good booth, you need to sneak in at night. You may think that security will be a problem, but most of Carnival security is students, and students are easily bribed. Make sure there are no cops around and do it.

Not too hard or the whole booth will come down,
Patrick Hoskins

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