Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

Spring break is coming up, and I have no idea what to do with all that time off. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have free time. What should I do with myself next week?

Thanks,
I Need Entertainment, Earnestly Desire A Vexation-Avoiding Cruise And Tremendous Increase in Overall Nirvana

Dear I NEED A VACATION,

You have two options in front of you: hanging out around town, or getting out of Pittsburgh while you still have a chance. If you stay in Pittsburgh, there are still plenty of ways to spend your time. You can finally put those all-nighters behind you and sleep all afternoon. When you aren’t comatose, there are plenty of concerts, shows, and bars to keep you entertained. Mainly bars.

But spring break is for traveling! You could go to South America to hit the beaches, but then you’ll probably get dysentery or get caught in the middle of a drug war, which, while fun, isn’t exactly stress free. If you want to stay closer to home, try a road trip or take the bus somewhere. If you’re worried about being stabbed at the bus depot, remember that you’re just as likely to be stabbed at a highway rest stop. If money is a concern, try couch surfing. Again, the worst that can happen is some mild stabbing.

Basically just try to avoid getting stabbed next week,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Like, my TA is soooo dreamy, and I totes think he’s into me. He wrote a smiley face next to my grade!! How can I get him to ask me out (since, ya know, I can’t ask him out — that’d be super awk)?

<3,
Want Instructor Lovingly, Like, Totally Hot And Teaches Great, Easily a Ten, Maybe an Eight, Anyway, Need Advice

Dear WILL THAT GET ME AN A,

This all depends on how sleazy your TA is. If he’s kind of sleazy, like an economics or business TA, then he’s probably willing to go out with his students. In any other subject, your TA is probably too hung up on that whole “integrity,” “getting fired for sexual harassment,” and “abusing power” junk to actually make a move. In that case, wait until the semester’s over and then see where things go.

If you’re still reading, then we’ve already established that your TA is a sleazeball. In that case, it’ll be easy to get him to make a move. Are you sure you want to go out with this guy? I mean, you just admitted he’s sleazy, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. Seriously, he’s no good. Oh, you’re going to go after him anyway? That’s cool — write to an advice columnist and ignore his advice.

Damn kids these days,
Patrick Hoskins

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