Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

My one friend “Jen” really hates my other friend “Steve.” However, Steve thinks they’re both really good friends, and I just don’t have the heart to tell him. What can I do to defuse the situation?

Thanks,
Fraternal Relationship Isn’t Exactly Non-Existent; Malevolence Is Entertained Singly

Dear FRIENEMIES,

There are two options here: Either Jen legitimately hates Steve, or she wants to tutti frutti his sweet booty.

If she hates him, then there’s not much you can do. You should just tell Steve what’s going on. Otherwise they’ll just keep running into each other, and he’ll keep ruining her day. If he knows, then he’ll at least have the decency to avoid her. Or he’ll just keep hanging around her out of spite. If it were me, I’d go the spite route. Luckily, everyone loves me. Right? RIGHT?

Right. On the other hand, she may just find herself irresistibly attracted to him and not know how to deal with it. In that case, you should just step aside and let nature take its course. And by “nature,” I mean alcohol. At some point, they’ll both get drunk and hash out those feelings. And by “hash out those feelings,” I mean my editor won’t let me say what they’d actually do.

Or she’ll just slap him,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

My friend’s throwing a birthday party with jello wrestling. I feel like it’s a terrible idea, but he’s insisting on doing it, and has already bought a kiddy pool, tarp, and a few gallons of off-brand jello. What can I do to keep this from being a disaster?

Thanks,
Want Really Entertaining Story, Though Leery of Existing Revelry

Dear WRESTLER,

Judging by that purchase history, your friend is already on an FBI watch list for creepy serial killers. So as long as a bunch of federal agents don’t bust the party, it’ll be a relative success. Really, there’s only one thing you can do in this situation. At some point, you’re just going to have to down a few drinks, hop in that tub, and take on all comers. Sure, your friend probably wants girls in bikinis in there, but he might just have to settle for a drunk guy in a Hawaiian T-shirt.

Or instead of taking that terrible advice, go to your friend’s house early and just eat all of the jello beforehand. That’s the only way to salvage everything. Grab a spoon, and jump on that jello grenade.

Or maybe there will actually be some slutty girls there,
Patrick Hoskins

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