March 21 - April 19

The planet is in danger and it is time for some extreme recycling. Just sorting plastics and glass is for girly men and wimps. It’s time to take action and go after the main source of environmental desegregation: man.

Apr. 20 - May 20

Your stalker skills are waning and must be recovered quickly. A refresher course in Facebook info-gathering 101 and paparazzi scandal shots will have you back on your A-game and stalking in the shadows in no time.

May 21 - June 21

As Passion Pit’s only fan, it is your job to educate the campus about the band’s wonderful musical abilities. Carnegie Mellon wants to present itself as a cool campus and the school needs your help.

June 22 - July 22

As the NCAA basketball championship wraps up, remember to keep yelling at the screen. It definitely helps your team play better and screaming is such a good habit.

July 23 - Aug. 22

One person’s happiness is another person’s Carnegie Mellon.

Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Warm weather equals bare skin. Remember there is a thin line between weather appropriateness and looking...well, you know.

Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Take a moment and think about how you affect the world around you. Are you doing everything possible to make this world a better place?

Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

The sun is out and that means the walkway in front of Doherty Hall is magically transformed into a peddler’s row. Make sure not to go broke on the way to class or suffer from a mild case of philanthropic fatigue.

Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

There is only one thing that will help you make it through the week: country music therapy. The smooth voices and wisdom of people like Randy Travis and Loretta Lynn will guide the way.

Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

In the immortal words of Winnie the Pooh: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.”

Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Your Fruit Ninja skills are so great that it is time to take take them to the next level. This week, you should start the Carnegie Mellon chapter of live-action Fruit Ninja. Use all of that chopped fruit to make smoothies to sell.

Feb. 19 - March 20

This is your wake-up call.