Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I don’t have a lot of facial hair. All of my friends make fun of me for it, asking when I’m going to go through puberty and if I have alopecia. It’s getting pretty tiresome. How can I get more facial hair?

Thanks,
Shaving Attempts Lacking, Virtually Obsolete

Dear SALVO,

Sadly, you have not gotten the “Gift of the Beard.” It is nothing to be ashamed of. So what if you have less testosterone than other guys? That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re less of a man. So what if you’re not allowed near playgrounds during No-Shave November? A thin, stringy moustache doesn’t make you a creep — it just makes you look like one.

In fact, beards can be a curse. You wake up every morning looking like a lumberjack. You shave, but five minutes later you’re covered in stubble. You forget to shave a couple days before Halloween, and everyone thinks you’re going as Teen Wolf. It’s a burden. If you must persist in your quest, then you should know there’s no real way (short of gluing hair to your face) to get a beard. Accept it for now, and maybe in a few years you’ll be capable of growing one. Unless your dad can’t either: Then you’re out of luck.

You’ll shave a bundle on razors,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

My friend got hit by a car the other day. She’s fine; she has a bruise on her hip, but that’s about it. She was walking across Forbes and got tapped. Is there anything I can do to help her in her hour of need?

Thanks,
Sore Pal Easily Endangered, Delicately Bumped, Usually More Prudent

Dear SPEEDBUMP,

I’m glad to hear your friend’s okay. It’s times like these when we have to remember that jaywalking is a crime for a reason. Your friend is a criminal. Though, admittedly, drivers in Pittsburgh are terrible, which is why pedestrians have to be extra careful. Pittsburghers tend to ignore things like red lights, crosswalks, and turn signals.

When crossing the street, remember these three easy steps: stop, look, and listen. Your friend must have missed that day of first grade, so the best thing you could get her would be an e-card with those tips on it. Perhaps cross-stitch them a kitschy-yet-helpful household knickknack. Try buying her a bright orange vest with reflectors. It’s safe and fashionable! Being hit by a car is no joke, so you definitely shouldn’t make jokes about it to her. She could have been seriously hurt!

Or buy her Bengay,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.