Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

My roommate got a new girlfriend, and I have mixed feelings about it. He’s never in the room anymore, which is great. On the other hand, I hate seeing him happy. He used to be full of contempt and rage, but now he’s mellowed, full only of hatred and anger. Is there a way I can keep him out of the room and unhappy?

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It may seem like a smart idea to sabotage his new relationship, but if they break up he’ll probably spend a few weeks moping around your room, complaining about the noise, your mess on the floor, and his abject despair. And that’s much worse than having him out of the house and happy.

The key is to keep them together and to make him unhappy in other ways. For instance, if she has a friend he hates, suggest they go on double dates together. Convince her to take him clothes shopping. If he wants to look good in front of her, you can use that to get him to do stuff for you. Just remember: It’s more important that you have the room to yourself.

Don’t worry about your own encroaching loneliness,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I just got a new girlfriend and I’m spending a lot of time with her, so I haven’t been hanging out with my roommate as much. It’s pretty clear he’s getting jealous and lonely, but won’t admit it. How do I get him to open up?

Can’t Appreciate Roommate’s Position

Dear CARP,

Well, the first thing you need to do is rub it in his face. Really let him know how happy you are in your relationship. Let him stew in his envy. At some point, it’ll boil over and he’ll do something passive-aggressive, like writing about you in his newspaper column. Then, get him drunk. He’ll probably make a tearful, heartfelt confession about his feelings. You can hold this over his head for a long time.

If that doesn’t work, try bringing your girlfriend around your apartment for visits. The three of you could all hang out together! He definitely won’t hate that. Maybe the two of them could become besties. You could even try to set him up with her friends. I’m sure he won’t mind your unsolicited intrusion into his personal life one bit.

Or just take him to a bar to cry into some whiskey,
Patrick Hoskins

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