Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

What have you been up to lately? There are many people who would like to know, and this may be a surprise to you. Take this new information as a sign to pause and really think about your actions.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Challenge yourself this week by using only Shakespearean insults whenever you get angry at someone. Start with calling someone a clay-brained minnow, and then work your way up to the juicier ones.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Spring Break is upon thee. Make haste: Fun and sun await those who seek them out.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

This week will be filled with surprises and drama, so hang in there.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

This week, ditch the episodes of [ITAL]The New Girl [ITAL]or anything on the SyFy channel, and watch nothing but day-long marathons of educational documentaries and [ITAL]Antiques Roadshow[ITAL].

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Reality is such a bore. This week, avoid reality and live a fantasy world created from your own delusions, sadness, and fear. Have fun.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Your doppelgänger is running amok around campus, and you haven’t the slightest idea how to stop it. Leave records of everything you do to prove you are not responsible for the misdeeds committed by your doppelgänger.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

There aren’t enough urban legends floating around Carnegie Mellon. Take some time this week to come up with something really good in order to frighten as many first-years as possible.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Even though change is taking place all the time, that doesn’t mean we get used to it. There are changes on the horizon for you, Sagittarius. Stand and meet the change with your inherent grace and confidence.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Something seems to be missing. Find it quickly or suffer.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Tune in and drop out without the LSD. Reach for the remote and use the moving pictures to make things better.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

There’s not enough color in your life. Brighten your day by brightening your wardrobe.