Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m getting tired of all these dumb pictures and memes people keep posting on Facebook. They’re not funny, and they just clog up my news feed so I can’t see things I do care about, like... I’ll think of something later. But still! How can I get rid of them?

Thanks,
Memes Indubitably Suck, Are Not Too Hilarious, Rather Ordinarily Provoke Exasperation

Dear MISANTHROPE,

Congratulations! You’ve just realized that most people are dumb. Enjoy the false sense of superiority that comes with that realization. Go check your Facebook right now. I bet you’ve shared a few photos too. Of course, yours are funny, unlike all those other people’s, right? Oh, wait — no, they’re not. Your memes aren’t creative and no one is going to donate 15 cents to fight breast cancer because you shared that. You are part of the problem.

Of course, I might be wrong. You simply want Facebook to go back to its roots: A place for you to easily stalk members of the opposite sex. The easiest thing to do is to unsubscribe from their updates. Or just unfriend everyone who shares stuff. But you’ll probably be alone at that point.

It’ll be just like Google+,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

My BFF is studying abroad this semester! OMG, like I’m sooo depressed. I mean, now all we can do is Skype, IM, talk on Facebook, share stuff on Pinterest, and email each other. :( What can I do to get through this semester?

<3,
Feeling Really Isolated, Especially Needy During Lonely Evenings, Soulmate Scrammed

Dear FRIENDLESS,

The key here is to let as many people as possible know that you’re sad and miss your friend. What is Facebook for if not saying how much you miss her and posting on her wall every five minutes?

Okay, now that she and everyone else knows you miss her, get on with your life. Skype every once in a while if you need to, but let her enjoy her time abroad. You can take this time to make more than one friend. The hard part is when your friend comes back. She may return much more pretentious than when she left, saying things like, “Well, when I was in London/Prague/who cares....” At that point, just maintain the urge not to strangle her.

But no one will blame you if you do,
Patrick Hoskins

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