Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m going to be traveling to another country over winter break. I’ve only traveled overseas a little. I did my research; I know what I want to see and do already. What else can I do to make this a blast?

Thanks,
Parting America Soon, Seeking Portentous Opportunities, Risky Trips

Dear PASSPORT,

Let me guess: You’re taking this trip to “find yourself” and “experience new cultures” — maybe prep for backpacking across Europe after you graduate. That’s traveling for hippies. You should travel like an American. For starters, don’t bother learning their language; most of them probably speak American too. If they pretend they don’t understand, just talk slower and louder. They’ll catch on.

Some people will tell you that you should pretend to be a Canadian when you travel, but if you do that, the terrorists win. Break out your most patriotic Fourth of July gear so everyone knows you come from the No. 1 country on the planet. Throw on a fanny pack too; it’s practical and fashionable. If anyone starts giving you trouble, just remind them we’re back-to-back World War champs. Why are you traveling anyway? If your country doesn’t have drive-thru gun and liquor stores, then it’s not worth visiting.

’Murica!
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

It’s the middle of the night, I just got back from the bar, and I want some pizza. All the pizza places are closed, but I have some leftovers in my fridge. You must have some pizza-reheating tips. Care to share?

Thanks,
Craving Reheated Appetizing Vittles, I Need Good Suggestions

Dear CRAVINGS,

Lucky for you, I am a fan of pizza and an excellent chef. By that I mean I know how to reheat food. Now, there are a few different methods of reheating pizza available to you, and the key to choosing which method to use is how much you’ve had to drink. If the answer is nothing, then you can take the time for some fancier reheating. Too much, and you’ll wind up eating dough and chomping into tomatoes.

For the quickest reheating method, put a glass of water in the microwave with your pizza. That keeps the pizza from getting soggy. Scientists say we’ll never know why this method works, but it does. If you’re feeling super fancy, pop the pizza in the oven for ten minutes (just be sure to turn the oven on first). Bonus points for a toaster oven.

Enjoy that cheesy goodness,
Patrick Hoskins