Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I just bought Assassin’s Creed 3 and Halo 4. They’re both awesome, but I can’t decide which one to play! I have a job already, so I don’t care about my classes or grades anymore. I can spend all my time playing.

Thanks,
Must Ascertain Some Technical Entertainment Relatively Currently, Help Inform of Electronic Findings

Dear MASTER CHIEF,

You face the classic gamer’s dilemma. On the one hand, Assassin’s Creed offers an awesome single-player experience; you get to hang out with George Washington, kill redcoats, and hear Benjamin Franklin’s eight-point dissertation on why sleeping with old women is best. On the other hand, Halo 4 is another Halo game. Enough said.

All you need to remember is that Assassin’s Creed is all about the single player, while Halo is all about multiple players. Play Assassin’s Creed 3 when you’re by yourself — during the day, when everyone’s going to class and you’re skipping — and save Halo for when your friends are over. Also, you might want to consider going to class. Graduating is probably a condition of that job offer.

At least you’ll have games to play when you’re unemployed,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

All my friends keep trying to get me to hit on women at bars, but I am so terrible at it that I wind up embarrassing myself. The last time I tried I just stood next to her at the bar for five minutes before walking away. What tips can you offer?

Thanks,
Sexy People Evade Eager Conversation, Hopelessly Lost Engaging Sensuous Señoritas

Dear SPEECHLESS,

The key is to pick off the weakest one from the herd. Essentially, if there’s a group of women sitting at the bar, don’t go for one in the middle; instead, talk to a girl on the edges. It’s harder for her to block you out that way.

Once you’ve managed to pick off a girl, tradition dictates that you offer to buy her a drink as the price of her conversation. Instead, take a step for gender equality and ask her to buy you a drink. If she’s a true third-wave feminist, she’ll happily comply. Once you’ve successfully made conversation, your friends can’t make fun of you, since they were probably trying to egg you on, or they’re just nice wingmen.

Or just try talking to a girl at literally any other place,
Patrick Hoskins