Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m turning 22 this week, and no one seems excited. Everyone went crazy last year, and no one seems to care now. Are birthdays not important anymore? Did my birthday celebrations peak at 21, when I threw up in the middle of the South Side?

Say it ain’t so,
Barely Invigorated Regarding The Hullabaloo, Daunting Age Yet Buoyantly Optimistic Yearly


I’m sorry, but you’re old now. Twenty-one is the last birthday that’s fun. What do you have to look forward to with your next birthdays? Nothing but old age. You’re officially in your early 20s. It’s all downhill from here. But since you’re over 21, you can drown your existential sorrow in alcohol! Welcome to adulthood.

There’s nothing inherently exciting about your birthday anymore — all the big ones now are just markers on your road to death — but that doesn’t mean they can’t be fun! Your friends aren’t excited? Remind them of all the fun things you did for their birthdays so they’re guilted into doing something for yours. Nothing holds off the existential dread of old age better than a chocolate cake you guilted your friends into baking.

Every second brings you closer to death,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Why doesn’t my roommate catcall me any more? In the past, whenever I’d take my clothes off before taking a shower, he’d hoot and whistle. I used to roll my eyes, but now I miss it. What happened to our spark? Is there anything I can do to liven up our roommate relationship?

Originally Lustful Declarations Miffed, After Removal Regret Ignoring Erstwhile Declarations, Can Old Utterances Please Linger Everlastingly


Let me guess: You guys have been living together for over a year now, right? That’s about the time when things become routine. He’s just too used to the sight of you walking to and from the shower in your underwear to even muster a half-hearted whistle.

You need to reinvigorate your relationship. Take your roommate out for drinks and catch up. Spark things up with some fancy underwear the next time you get ready for the shower. Just because you’ve been living together for a while doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun.

Try returning the favor every once in a while,
Patrick Hoskins

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