Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I am so busy with school and sleeping that I don’t have time to catch up on True Blood. I need my erotic vampire fix! How can I fix this?

Tense Vampire Fun-time Action Needed

Dear TV FAN,

Well, there’s your problem right there: You like True Blood. This may get me in trouble with my female readers, but it’s just not a good show. However, until the Men in Black (they’re real) commercialize their memory erasing technology, you can’t unwatch the show. In that case, you might as well finish it, since the series is already over. Luckily, now you can fast-forward through all the boring exposition and stick to the sex scenes.

Your problem here is simply one of time management. Luckily, since you’ve decided to go ahead and skip all the boring bits, watching a whole season should only take half an hour or so. If you’re actually in it for the story and the characters, then you’re watching the wrong show. Since you seem to be an HBO fan, watch The Wire. It’s not as dirty, but has a great plot and characters. If you still want some juicy scenes, try Deadwood.

As a Carnegie Mellon student, you shouldn’t be sleeping anyway,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

A lot of people say I’m narcissistic because I often talk about how handsome I am. But I can’t help being so good-looking! Is there anything I can do to change people’s opinions of me?

Desirable, Attractive Person Penalized Erroneously, Regardless Desire Advice Now


It’s hard for us handsome folk sometimes, but don’t let the regular people get you down. They can’t help but be jealous of those cheekbones. You need to keep that in mind when you’re dealing with them. They don’t need constant reminders about how good-looking you are; they get that whenever they look at you. You don’t need to rub in the fact that they were beaten with an ugly stick.

However, maybe you still need that constant affirmation that you are attractive. You could do what girls do and say you look ugly or fat so your friends have to compliment you. Note that this doesn’t work if your friends are jerks; they’ll just wind up agreeing with you. Nothing wrong with being a tad narcissistic; just don’t stare into a river too long.

Mythological jokes are funny,
Patrick Hoskins