Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I went to the Cricket Lounge last week, and I fell in love with a stripper. Her name is Chastity and she seems really into me. She stopped talking to me once I ran out of money, but she’s on the job, right? Do you know how I can convert this business relationship into a more romantic one?

Seriously Tempted Reclusive Individual, Powerfully Tempted Endlessly, And Seeking Exotic Dancer


Repeat thrice, after me: “I do not love a stripper.” Okay, if that didn’t do the trick, I guess I’ll have to explain this to you. In general, anyone who works for tips is just pretending to like you. Waitresses, hostesses, and especially strippers. I know, you’re really charming, but nine times out of 10, they’re just acting.

If you’re still set on chasing Chastity, then I guess I’m obliged to give you advice. First thing’s first: Get a hepatitis shot. Types A and B. Next, you need to demonstrate your value to her. Break out the $100 bills at the club. Keep on throwing down the money until you get a reputation with her. Then take a good long hard look at yourself and realize you’re trying to pick up a stripper.

At least your kids will have a great story about how you met their mother,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’ve gone out almost every day the past few weeks, and now I’m totally exhausted. But my friends want to keep going out and I don’t have the heart to turn them down. I can’t afford to keep this up. How can I break the news to them? Can’t I just stay home and sleep?

Beverage Obtainment Oftentimes Zeroes Earnings, Sleep Necessary Or Obviously Zoned out Entirely


Let me guess, you’re a senior. Bar exhaustion is a common problem among those graduating soon. Eventually, the drinking and spending catches up with you and you just want to stay in and play board games. We’ve all been there, but you must resist. Down the path of board games lies only destruction! Stay strong; keep drinking!

Take a night or two off, but that’s it. Once you start staying in, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut. And then you’ll waste your senior year. You just turned 21, and you’re at the one time in your life you can go out five nights a week and not be judged for it. Get on a first-name basis with the Wednesday night bartender at PHI (it’s Deirdre) and manage your money so you can keep it up.

Take a nap and go out,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.