Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m graduating in a few months and already have a job offer. Basically, I’m just killing time until graduation. But now I have nothing to do. What can I do to make the best of my last few months in Pittsburgh?

Thanks,
Seeking Local Activities, Cannot Keep Entertained Recently

Dear SLACKER,

Now is your chance to finally enjoy Pittsburgh. Everyone at Carnegie Mellon loves to hate on the ’Burgh, lamenting about how terrible it is. They’re all liars and I hate them. Pittsburgh is awesome, and they’re just too miserable to enjoy it.

Get your crew together and start skipping class — it’s time to take advantage of the ’Burgh. You’ve probably done typical tourist-y things, like going up the Monongahela Incline and spending way too much time in Squirrel Hill and Shadyside. Now’s the time to go to South Side. There are bars as far as the eye can see, and it’s not the usual college crowd. You’ll have an unforgettable evening — or a very forgettable one, depending on how many bars.

Or just stay inside and complain,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I love to dance, but when I do, I’m super awkward. All my friends tell me not to, and I always get weird looks when I go out on the dance floor. How can I be a better dancer?

Thanks,
Twisting While Others Leave, Everyone Feeling Troubled, Friends Embarrassed, Enjoyment Terminated

Dear TWO LEFT FEET,

I am a firm believer that no one actually knows what they’re doing when they dance. Alcohol is the only thing that separates most parties from those middle school dances with guys on one side of the room and girls on the other. After enough to drink, everyone’s on the dance floor making a fool of themselves, so just go out there and have fun.

The fact of the matter is, your friends are projecting their insecurities onto you. Frankly, you can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. ‘Cause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t dance, well, they’re no friends of mine.

S-s-s-s A-a-a-a F-f-f-f E-e-e-e T-t-t-t Y-y-y-y,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.