Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’ve been sick with mono all winter break. I’m feeling better now, but I’m not sure how I got it in the first place. I know I don’t want to get sick again. Do you have any tips for preventing a relapse?

Thanks,
Keeping Isolated, Should Stay Indoors, Need Guts During Illness, Should Easily Avoid Social Encounters

Dear KISSING DISEASE,

Consider mono punishment for your hedonistic lifestyle. The debauchery that defined your last semester is going to have to go if you want to stay healthy. For starters, no booze. Mono messes with your liver, so if you have a drink, you’ll die. Probably. I don’t actually know, but that sounds about right. Next, don’t trip and fall, or your spleen will explode and you’ll die. That’s actually true, so make sure your shoes are tied. Don’t overexert yourself or you could be too tired to go home, and you’ll collapse in the street and die.

I know, I know — drinking until you’re falling down in the street is your favorite hobby, but that’s probably what got you into this in the first place.

Mono is the anti-fun,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

Have you heard about this SOAP and Pippa Middleton thing? I had to write a paper the other day, but Wikipedia was down. What does the royal family have to do with Congress and bathing? Luckily, one of the computer science boys on my floor got me around it.

I need this explained,
Anything Remotely Technical Might Actually be Jibberish Or Rubbish

Dear ART MAJOR,

You’re probably the last person on the planet to hear about this. It’s not SOAP and Pippa everyone’s concerned with, but SOPA and PIPA, or the Stop Online Piracy Act and the PROTECT IP Act. Basically, everyone’s freaking out because they say it will censor the internet. Some of the concerns are legitimate and some are overblown, but everyone’s in a huff about it.

You probably don’t need to worry about Wikipedia going black again. It was an emergency move to stop those bills from passing.

You won’t have to learn to write a paper any time soon,
Patrick Hoskins

Need advice? Send queries to advice@thetartan.org.