Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

So career week went well for you — well done. Be on alert for friends who will now be looking to mooch off of your success.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Think twice about the gifts you buy your roommates. What may seem like a neat thing that tickles their fancy could end up being your worst nightmare.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Let your artistic side run wild this week by creating something with your hands. Start small with finger paint, then work your way up.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

You have been a lot more sarcastic these past few weeks, Cancer, but watch your step. Someone unexpected might call your bluff this week.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

Someone taller and funnier than you would like you to know that mastering fundamentals is key to doing anything well. Learn them or stay sucky forever.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Hey, thanks for getting people sick!

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

A shorter, more sarcastic person would like you to fix your face, and wants you to know that until you master fundamentals, you will be nothing.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

You’re bad to the bone, a rebel without a cause, and really, a Scorpio without a clue. Lose the acting and just be yourself.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Stop feeding your ego by twisting positive feedback others give you. Being humble is actually a good thing.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Control your emotions and think more logically this week. Give your heart a break and outsource some stress to that brain of yours.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

I promise that one day very soon you will be able to read for pleasure and not just for class.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

You suck because you’re not sick.