Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I just moved off campus this year with a couple of my buddies, and we’re hoping to throw a couple parties. Do you have any tips on throwing a successful party?

Thanks,
Just About to Make a Bash in Our Residential Everyday Environment

Dear JAMBOREE,

For starters, you need booze. Lots of booze. How much do you have now? Double that. Next up is music. Do you like rubbing yourself on people? Play some house music. Are you on ecstasy? Listen to trance. Are you a tool? Dubstep. If you can tell the difference between all these, listen to some real music. Otherwise, just choose some upbeat music to play in the background of your party. Now you just need to get people to come to your party.

When inviting guests, the most important thing to keep in mind is the guy/girl ratio. Too many guys and the girls will get creeped out by all the guys breathing heavily. Too many girls and — well, that’s just not gonna happen. This is Carnegie Mellon, after all. So, you need to make sure girls come to your party. If that means making it flower- and unicorn-themed, then you’ve got to bite the bullet.

Unicorns are awesome,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

When my friend has had a bit to drink, he likes to make fun of people and thinks he’s funny. It really just makes everyone uncomfortable. How can I make him stop?

Thanks,
Angry Buddy Uses Sarcastic Insults, Victimizes Every Accomplice, Loses Cool, Often Hurts Our feeLings, Inebriated Currently

Dear ABUSIVE ALCOHOLIC,

Is your friend always mean, or is it only after he’s had a couple? If he’s usually nice, maybe he takes drinking as a chance to tell that jagoff how much he hates him. Try some behavior modification — a piece of chocolate when he’s nice, and an electric shock whenever he insults someone.

Alternatively, maybe the people your friend is being mean to deserve it, like that one girl who gave everyone else a slice of pie but not him. Yeah, you know who you are. Are you often the butt of your friend’s jokes? If they’re in good fun, try lightening up. If they’re generally hurtful, have a talk with him about what’s appropriate. If he’s a CS major, he can’t help it — they just don’t know how to talk to people.

At least he doesn’t hit people with beer bottles,
Patrick Hoskins