Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

The TOC is coming up on the 20th and 21st, and I need a job. I have no idea how to write a good résumé, and I don’t have a lot of experience. Do you have any tips on rubbing elbows with recruiters? Please help me get a job. I don’t want to move back home with my parents after I graduate.

Thanks,
Budding University Student In Need of Employment Seeking Smart Mentor’s Advice, Job, Or Referral

Dear BUSINESS MAJOR,

The first thing you’re going to need to do is pad that résumé. The two most important sections of your résumé are your work experience and the projects you’ve completed. When it comes to work experience, use a lot of buzzwords. “Synergy,” “workflow,” “Six Sigma,” and “cyber-” are all good choices.

Next up is the projects section. Dust off those old syllabi, go through your old classes, and find the homework and projects that sound the most impressive. Next, research all the companies you’re interested in. Go to those companies, chat up the recruiters, telling them what you just learned, and make sure you get a business card.

Try not to embarrass yourself,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m caught between two girls. One girl is very attractive and easy, while the other is beautiful and intelligent. Which one am I supposed to choose?

Sincerely,
Fearful Of Remaining Eternally Virginal, Eager for Relationship, Appraising Lady Options, Need Encouragement

Dear FOREVER ALONE,

Two girls? Well, look at Mr. High Roller, talking to multiple females! You should be happy they maintain eye contact! Face it: Chances are, you’re going to strike out with both of them. You need to decide what you want right now. If you just want to have your fun and be done with it, go for the first girl. If you want something more, go for the second. It seems obvious to me which one you really want just by your two-word descriptions of them. I can’t tell you which, though — you need to figure that out for yourself.

Or you could try going out with both of them. But be prepared for some Three’s Company-style antics and karmic retribution if you do so. It’s gonna turn out they’re best friends, or sisters, and you’ll be left with egg on your face.

Or you could “discover plutonium by accident,”
Patrick Hoskins