Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Your free T-shirt collection is growing by leaps and bounds, so find something creative to do with them before you’re forced to relive your glory days, one shirt at a time.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

At this very moment there is someone, somewhere doing something that you wish you were doing. Don’t just wonder about that someone; be that someone.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

Yeah, I did just see you do that.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

Dressing in styles from specific decades is so 1980s. Instead, dress in historical mixes of great global eras. Gladiator sandals paired with a kilt and a coat of iron mail is all the rage.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

If the people you consider your friends can only identify you by your post-party behavior, then I guess those are the only friends that you could ever keep.

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

You know that you’re awesome, and your mom probably knows too, but no one else does. All that is about to change. Create your theme song so that everyone will know what’s true.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

From now on, speak only in clichés when addressing anyone in the English department. Watch their faces as they cringe and feel the mix of enjoyment and subtle shame.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Please stop talking and quoting during the movie. It isn’t cool or clever; it is just irritating.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

You have set some very large goals for the coming semester and that’s great, but it is the twists and turns in life’s plans that make it great.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

I’m sorry, but the surprise revealed last week was in fact a donation and not an announcement that the university had cryogenically frozen Andrew Carnegie and brought him back to life.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

You can dance if you want to. You can even leave your friends behind. But if you don’t dance and if you can’t dance, then get off the darn dance floor; you keep getting in my way.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

I foresee mayhem, destruction, and just all-around chaos on the horizon — that or just another mundane week of class.