Everything you need to know

Dear Patrick,

Orientation was so fun! There’s just one problem — my OC won’t go away. He keeps coming to our all-girls floor to “hang out” even though no one really wants to talk to him. He was cool during Orientation, but he’s a borderline stalker now. How can I get him to stop creeping?

Hill 4 Lyfe <3 <3 <3

Dear — No, I’m not typing that,

You’ve just discovered the real reason guys become OCs — to hit on first-year girls. The reason he was cool during Orientation is that he was not allowed to hit on you. Now that Orientation’s over, all bets are off.

Since you’re at Carnegie Mellon, you’re going to need to learn really quickly how to get rid of creepy guys. They’re everywhere. First, he’ll start off acting like your friend. This is a trick. Do you notice him breathing heavier when he gets close to you? Red flag. At this stage, being rude will probably get rid of him. If that doesn’t work, he’ll move on to phase two. He’ll “accidentally” bump into you around campus and stare at you. A lot. You can either wait for him to ask you out (and then turn him down), or get a boyfriend. If all else fails, you or a guy friend can give him a talking-to, making it very clear you want him to leave you alone.

Or just try a restraining order,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I just got out of a serious relationship. I’m a little shaken up about it. My girlfriend and I parted on good terms, but I’m just not sure what to do now. Should I start dating? Should I just go after floozies? With the new school year, there are a lot of choices on the horizon; I’m just not sure which ones to make.

Single, Only Sad

Dear SOS,

Here’s what you should do: Go home and have a drink. Maybe one more. Feeling good now? Put that beer down. Drinking’s not the answer. You can’t drown your problems, man. Okay, you’re a little buzzed now, and you probably want to cry into your pillow for half an hour. Go ahead, take your time. Okay, ready? Now, here’s the plan: We’re gonna go out, talk to some people, and relax. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriend, and talk to some girls.

Now, what’d we learn? Take some time to relax and get over your ex. You sound like you aren’t even ready to be picking up some floozies. Take your time, have some fun, and get out of your head. The world is your oyster. Just don’t show up at your ex’s house drunk and crying.

Unless she’s into that sort of thing,
Patrick Hoskins