Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I want to throw a luau. Do you have any tips to make it a success?

Luaus Exceed Imagination

Dear LEI,

The luau is a fine and delicate art. All the pieces must be carefully put into place for it to be a success. There are a few main ingredients: torches, leis, hula, pineapple, roasted pig, and limbo. Now, torches — and the fire-dancing that usually goes with them — aren’t really safe, so instead you should get some sticks and tie flashlights to the ends. It’s just like the real thing! Next, you need some hula girls (or guys) to hand out your leis and do a crappy imitation of a hula dance. Prepare for a lot of “getting leid” jokes. The centerpiece should be your entire pig roasting over an open fire. You can buy one at Costco or Sam’s Club.

The main attraction to any luau is the limbo. This is best done after a few drinks. When limboing, you need to be able to bend not just from your waist, but from your knees. I’d recommend wearing weighted shoes to move your center of gravity forward. If you want to go pro, learn to bend from your ankles. When you can do that, women will be throwing themselves at you.

Wait until Pittsburgh stops messing around and it gets warmer,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

The other day I got in a fight with my boyfriend. He claims he can tell the difference between butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. No one can do that! How can I prove him wrong?

Butter Lover

Dear BL,

That’s insane! Your boyfriend’s full of it. No one can believe it’s not butter — not even him! I see two options: Prove him wrong and humiliate him, or let him have his victory and be constantly bragging about his tasting abilities. Humiliation it is.

The most obvious solution is to make him do a blind taste test. Give him two cups, one full of butter and the other full of ICBINB, without telling him which is in which, and make him eat them plain.

If he manages to keep the cups of butter down and can’t tell the difference, you’ve won! But if he can, then you are quite possibly dating a super-hero: “The Supertaster,” “The Discerning Palette,” etc. As his girlfriend, it’s your job to help him use his powers to fight crime — how, I have no idea.

Or just give him two sticks of butter and watch him squirm,
Brian Hoskins