Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’ve been working on this class project for a little while, but my partner hasn’t been pulling his weight. Now the due date’s coming up and I need his part of it, but he’s been dodging my calls, ignoring my e-mails, and disregarding my texts. How can I get in contact with him? What can I do about his half of the project?

Thanks, Partner In Need

Dear PIN,

That’s the problem with partner projects — it always seems like you’re the one who does everything. The easiest answer is just to talk to your partner in class. If it’s due before then (or he’s skipping class), you have a harder problem. The next step is to use a disguise, like a fake mustache, to fool him into talking to you. Try borrowing a friend’s phone and using that to call him. He’ll answer if he doesn’t know it’s you. If he’s savvier still, see if you have any mutual friends and use them to track him down.

If all else fails, then resort to an old standby: Facebook stalking. Try to find his address by seeing if he’s created any events at his house. If he’s a first-year, he’s probably in a Facebook group for his dorm or floor. Once you know where he lives, you can show up and stage a sit-in. Don’t leave until he does his work.

Try public shaming,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Help! I’m stranded at Ikea. How do I get home? Is the Pittsburgh public transportation system screwing with me?

Sincerely, Trapped With Swedes

Dear TWS,

Whatever you do, don’t get the Swedish meatballs. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing sweaters, spending half your life in darkness, and be a stinking socialist. The key is to remain calm and American. Sing the national anthem a few times. When you’re done, call up your friends (or people you can blackmail) with cars. Beg, plead, and blackmail them into driving out to pick you up. If that fails, call a cab. Supposedly you can put in a request to get the 28X to stop and pick you up, but you’d have better luck finding a camel to ride home.

Pittsburgh recently cut bus funding, which, among other things, changed the 28X to people off at the mall and Ikea, but not pick them up unless “requested.” (I think that means bribes.) Pittsburgh’s broke, and the city’s taking it out on you. Specifically you. It’s like a broke friend who borrows your car to go to a job interview, and then goes joyriding and drives off a cliff. Think Thelma and Louise, but more yelling “jagoff” out the window.

Pittsburgh buses suck, **
**Brian Hoskins