Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

The fall schedule of classes is up! I am torn between being excited and terrified. How can I possibly pick a schedule for next semester with so many classes offered?!



Dear Confused,

The first thing you need to do to pick out your schedule is to make sure you’re signed up for all the classes your major requires for the semester. This should give you two or three classes.

Now it’s time to pick electives. There are exactly two ways to go about this. The first is to scour the Schedule of Classes (SOC). This must be done thoroughly. I mean, you must read class descriptions for every single field of study. Compile a list of the 30 or so classes that sound interesting to you and sign up for the maximum number possible.

If you don’t like this strategy, there is one other option for you. Tape the names of some classes that sound easy to a nearby dartboard and throw some darts. Take whichever ones you hit. And hey, if you have really bad aim, you just might end up with a really easy semester.

Don’t throw darts when people are standing nearby,

Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m moving into an apartment next semester, and I need to find a cheap mattress that won’t give me STDs or lice. What do you recommend?


Dear Homeless,

The solution to this problem depends on how much you really care about what you’re sleeping on. If you’re really desperate to save money, just drive down Beeler in May and see if you can find a mattress for free in someone’s garbage. Be warned: There were college kids sleeping on these mattresses. They probably got them from their friends who graduated the year before, who probably got them from someone else’s garbage. Just... be careful.

If cleanliness is your main concern, you probably shouldn’t be buying used mattresses anyway. That’s gross, man. Your best bet is IKEA. They have cheap mattresses as well as bed frames. And dressers. And silverware. The only problem is that when you walk out of the store, you’ll end up having spent about $1,000 on accessories. Even the strongest-willed can’t resist those matching measuring cups!

Enter IKEA at your own risk,

Brian Hoskins