Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I am looking for an archenemy. Someone with whom I can lock wits, engage in fiendish repartee, and do battle on a weekly to monthly basis. Do you have any tips on picking up an archenemy?

—Always Looking for One Normal Enemy


It all comes down to whether you’re the hero or the villain. If you’re the hero, then pretty soon some psycho will track you down and do battle with you. If you’re the villain, then try pulling off a minor crime and get subdued by the hero. Vow vengeance, and bam — new archenemy. If the hero gained powers from some sort of accident, then his archenemy will generally either be disfigured from the same accident and blame the hero, or will attempt to re-create the accident to gain the hero’s powers, until something goes horribly wrong (as it is wont to do).

Really, an archenemy comes down to one thing: pure, unadulterated hate. When you meet that special someone, take a chance and pop the question: Will you be my nemesis? If you can’t find anyone like that, you’re still in luck. Simply join the Guild of Calamitous Intent, and it’ll assign you an archenemy of your very own! If you do go that route, say hi to David Bowie for me.

The next step is to get some henchmen,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

After reading your last question, I decided to take up arch-villainy full time. I have a protagonist I can’t wait to arch, but I’m not sure how to get off the ground. Do you have any tips for a budding supervillain? Where can I get henchmen? How do I fund my enterprises?

—Aching for Really Cool Henchmen

Dear ARCH,

Despite what you may see on television, being a super villain is expensive. Dart guns, robot gliders, and hovering cocoons cost a fortune. But you have a few funding options. First: crime! You can work your way up — bank robberies, armored car-jacking, or holding cities hostage by releasing a fear toxin into the water supply.

When it comes to henchmen, you have two main options. If you’re associated with a professional villainous organization, like the Guild, you can always hire some through their channels. They come pre-trained, full of the antisocial behaviors and loyalty necessary for henchmen, but they can be lazy and need health insurance. Or, you can just pick a couple guys up off the street. They’ll be cheaper, but they may wind up using actual guns to take over your floating cocoon.

Watch out for Brock,
Brian Hoskins