Pillbox

Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Wooooooooooo! Spring break! Wooooooooooooooo! Do you have any tips for getting the most out of spring break?

Sincerely,

Woooooo!

Dear Woooooo,

Sleep. Seriously, get some sleep. Sure, spring break’s a great time to go on trips, have adventures, and try to get on MTV, but, really, you’re exhausted. When was the last time you had a good night’s sleep? Spring break is your chance to get even. When you come back, you’ll look less like a Carnegie Mellon zombie, with bags under your eyes and grunting about how much work you have, and more like a fresh-faced Carnegie Mellon student who has no idea about the horrors that await him or her.

Now, just because you’re getting sleep doesn’t mean you’re not having fun. You can still go out at night — just sleep in afterward. But what’s important here is to get out of Pittsburgh. You need sun and warmth — two things Pittsburgh doesn’t have. A great spring break spot is the beach. You have the sun, the surf, the sand, and beautiful people to gawk at. You can’t do that at Carnegie Mellon.

Only two months till summer — two long, long months,

Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I write a column for my school’s paper, and, frankly, I’m all out of ideas. I have no idea what to write about. Do you have any tips or ideas? How do you do it?

Sincerely,

Writer In Need

Dear WIN,

What kind of column do you write? If you’re a music writer and desperate, just write about some band selling out. They all do it, so you’re sure to have material. If you do news commentary, just look at the top headline and make up a position. The more outrageous the better. For example, “The Wisconsin protests are just a ploy to get Hitler back in power!” Watch Glenn Beck for ideas.

The real problem is if you don’t have a defined topic, and you’re stuck writing something really broad, like an advice column. An advice column may seem easy — just answer people’s e-mails. But some less popular advice-givers out there (not me) often just make up questions! No one even bothers e-mailing questions. In that case, just start making up more and more ridiculous questions, like about comic books or bears. If you still can’t come up with anything, then do something meta. People love meta.

Please send in questions,

Brian Hoskins