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Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Recently, I’ve taken up the new extreme sport of bear boxing. Essentially, you go into the woods and box a bear with your bare hands. But I’m new to the sport and am worried about injuries. Do you have any tips for the amateur bear boxer?

Sincerely,
Boxing Endangered Animals Rocks

Dear BEAR,

This may be the dumbest idea ever. Bears are deadly, deadly animals. They are one-ton killing machines, complete with claws, teeth, and a nasty disposition. Think you can outrun one? Brown bears can reach speeds of 30 miles an hour. Climb up a tree? So can they. In short, bears are our evolutionary superiors. I for one look forward to our new ursine overlords.

If you do intend to go through with this, then you have to take the one advantage humans have: fighting dirty. Build a trap, like Arnold Schwarzenegger did in Predator. Then, jump on the bear’s back and put it in a choke hold. The bear will probably try to scrape you off against a tree or something, and then eat you. Really, there’s no way this can turn out well. Unless you want to wind up like James Franco in 127 Hours, I’d stay out of the woods.

This isn’t real, don’t try this,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

Ever since Watson won Jeopardy!, I worry humans will be replaced. How can we keep up with a machine so smart and quick? What if they make a Price is Right robot? How can I keep myself from being replaced by a machine?

Sincerely,
Worried About Robot Takeover

Dear WART,

Trust me, there are already robots that could win at The Price is Right. All they need to win is the ability to bet one dollar higher than the guy next to them. Really, there’s nothing to be worried about from Watson. It’s still several years away from commercial use — and even then, it’s only good at answering questions.

The fact of the matter is, most jobs can be replaced by machines. Some of the safest, and best, jobs will be designing these new robotic workers — at least until the Singularity, when these jobs are replaced by machines too. Honestly, the best career plan is to become a survivalist who lives in the woods. That way, when either the inevitable robotic zombie uprising occurs, you’ll be the one taking out robotic zombies, saying, “I told you so.”

Or just ask them about U.S. cities,
Brian Hoskins