How to avoid the dreaded Valentine's Day
Whether you’re single or involved with a main squeeze, even the spoken term “Valentine’s Day” can induce nausea, anxiety, or appendicitis in those who don’t enjoy the holiday. Now that the dreaded day has finally arrived, it’s time to spring into action. Rather than suffering through another year of being labeled a “wet blanket,” here are some tips for those looking to avoid the holiday altogether:
This is a personal favorite among grizzled veterans on the V-Day front. Locate the nearest television or small, dark place and ride out the duration of the day in your makeshift bunker. Do not leave except to locate a nearby food source. Put in some gameplay time on God of War III or watch all of The Bachelorette seasons back-to-back. By feigning ignorance about Valentine’s Day as a whole, you’ll successfully escape it. Just be careful not to turn on your cable; the wave of jewelry and chocolate commercials could thwart your attempts to repress the holiday.
Be proactively creepy
Are you the kind of person who gets easily annoyed at public displays of affection? The simple solution is to let the world know. Follow your normal daily routine as expected; however, when you witness a couple going in for some mutual salivating, simply walk up and stare. This tactic is most effective at an uncomfortably close distance, such as while staring over the back of your restaurant booth. An alternate method is also easy to perform: Approach the affectionate couple and begin a slow golf clap. These tactics will ensure that holiday cheer gets dampened wherever you are.
Single? No way. If anyone asks, insist you’ve got a valentine. She just left to use the restroom. She’ll be right back. If your friends question you further, become immediately defensive about the topic. Claim you have to leave or you’ll be late for your couples’ massage. The key here is to make it believable: Have a made-up name prepared and a potential fake identity, too. Pretending that your valentine goes to a different school or is a foreign visitor will be especially helpful in explaining why he or she isn’t present on any other day.
Seize the day
Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for avoidant types to relish in their... well, avoidance. Make the biggest, greasiest garlic dish you can get your hands on and eat the whole thing without feeling guilty about your breath or appearance. Watch Scarface and feel no regret that you have missed a chance to watch The Notebook instead. Check your bank account and laugh in the face of those shelling out large amounts of money for expensive sushi dinners or chocolate fountains. And when you finally head off to sleep, spread out and take up all of your bed space. Get excited that no one will be hogging the blankets.
Set your computer clock to Feb. 15, and repeat the process on your phone. It’ll be like the day never happened. If people wish you a happy Valentine’s Day, wish them in turn a happy “15th of February.” Pretend that all the candy and flowers being sold are really day-after sales. If you believe strongly enough in your convictions, they will come true. Other people may find you insane, but hey, that’s a small price to pay.
Go where people aren’t
On Valentine’s Day evening, everyone is doing the same thing: eating at restaurants or frequenting romantic venues, such as parks and movie theaters. Instead, head to the spots no one wants to visit while you’ve got the chance. Make an appointment with the doctor or dentist — after all, who wants to get his or her teeth drilled on Valentine’s Day? Alternatively, go see a violent movie, head to the mall to enjoy short checkout lines, or go work out at the gym. These places will be deserted; they’re not exactly in vogue on a romantic holiday.
Above all, keep this fact in mind: There have been many holidays through history which have died out over time. Remember Lucaria, the Roman holiday of grove-clearing? That’s right, you don’t. It’s a defunct celebration; it died out hundreds of years ago. With any luck, Valentine’s Day (more like “Punishment and Public Humiliation of Single People Day”) will also soon be a thing of the past.