Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

All my jerk friends seem to be getting internships before me. I’m so much smarter than all of them! Why don’t I have one?

Needs Any Summer Technology Experience

Dear NAST-E,

You’re right — all your friends are jerks. How dare they get internships before you! Don’t they know that the world actually revolves around you? When they get offered an internship, they need to say, “No, thank you; my friend hasn’t gotten one yet, so I need to wait for him to get one.” This way, if you wind up never getting an internship, you and your friends can hang out all summer complaining about your lack of internships. Hey — if you can’t be happy, they shouldn’t be either. That’s what friends are for.

Or it could be that your friends are actually jerks, and I’ve misjudged you. In that case, you don’t have an internship because you’re not a jerk. Jerks are confident, and recruiters love confidence. So at the next job fair, walk right up to a recruiter and tell him why his company sucks. But don’t forget to give him your résumé! He’ll be thinking, “Wow, only someone really confident in his abilities would act with such total disregard for people’s feelings! I should hire him! Or he’s a sociopath.”

What could possibly go wrong,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’m hoping to compete in SWE’s Mr. Engineer contest this year. Do you have any tips on winning?

Young Engineering Stud

Dear YES,

Luckily for you, I have some experience with Mr. Engineer. Not necessarily in winning, but it’s still good advice. First of all, it’s a beauty pageant. Are you man-gorgeous? If so, you’ll do fine. If not, then you need to work on your talent. Tip: Don’t have your talent be insulting women engineers and scientists. They really don’t like that. Instead, sing a Disney or Taylor Swift song, or do something really nerdy. For extra points, rewrite a Disney song to have nerdy lyrics.

The last big part of the contest is the duct tape costume. This is your chance to show some skin. Really, your costume should just be a codpiece. Try to be a little creative though. Anyone can slap on a duct tape Speedo. Your job is to look good in it and be creative. It’s really hard to make a cute outfit out of duct tape, so instead just go for something overtly sexual. At some point in the contest, they may ask you to do something engineering- related, but you can fake it. That’s what engineering is about, right?

Try not to punch the MC,
Brian Hoskins