Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I’m about to go on a date with this girl, and I’m really nervous. I almost always mess these up. Do you have any tips for making my first date successful?

Thanks,
Ordinarily, Personal Expression Never Merits Outside, Unnecessary Tips, However I Need Some Engaging Romance Tips Forthwith, Otherwise Ordeals Take off

Dear OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOT,

There are two schools of thought for first dates. The first is that dates are for getting to know someone. Take her out to dinner or coffee, and just talk. That way you can realize pretty quickly if, say, she’s a Nazi or doesn’t like Batman (both dealbreakers).

On the other hand, you already have the date, so you know she likes you. Your job is to simply not screw that up. Go to a movie or an activity that involves minimal talking. This plan won’t work for very long, though. You might get one or two dates out of her before she starts wondering, “Why does he just stare at me whenever I ask him a question? Did he not hear?” And then you’ll wind up with her yelling at you for the rest of the date.

Or just be yourself — however risky that may be,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I’m so cold, so very cold. I asked my landlord to turn on the heat and he just laughed maniacally. My desktop is running Crysis just so my room can get a little warmer. How can I get warm? I don’t remember what it feels like.

Please help,
Indeed, My Sole Occupation Consists Of Layering Downy, Immense Manufactured Sheets, Hiding Inside, but Vexing Environments Remain — I’m Nearly Glacial

Dear IM SO COLD IM SHIVERING,

I have one word for you: Snuggie. “What is that?” you ask. Well, since you’ve been living under a rock, a Snuggie is a blanket — with sleeves! “Surely you jest, Patrick; after all, a blanket that ingenious would surely become commonplace,” you say. Well, sadly many people fail to see its practicality, and instead choose to freeze rather than bear the shame. But the shame of wearing a Snuggie actually keeps you warmer! It’s like a robe, without that annoying belt hanging off of you. If you want to get fancy, some German versions even have built-in gloves.

I’m wearing a Snuggie right now,
Patrick Hoskins