Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Patrick,

I just turned 21, and now I’m ready to celebrate! I’ll be having my first alcoholic drink (after all, it’s illegal before you’re 21), and I was hoping you could offer some tips.

Thanks,
Busy Imbibing Rich Toxins, Happily Drinking Alcohol, Yearning for Bourbon Or Yorsh

Dear BIRTHDAY BOY,

Congratulations on surviving for 21 years! Now you can finally have your first (legal) drink. Here’s the deal — you better not pay for a drink tonight. Tonight, you — regardless of your gender — are the hot chick at the bar. Everyone else should buy you drinks. The bartender will give you at least one drink for free, and after that just walk up to any group and yell “IT’S MY 21ST BIRTHDAY!”

Now, the key here is not to drink too much. Everyone’s going to tell you to take 21 shots, but they’re idiots. If you check your mail, you’re going to find a letter from University Health Services telling you not to drink alone. Yes — at Carnegie Mellon, the administration has to tell you to spend time with friends. Go with some friends that you know won’t drink too much, and will take care of you when you inevitably black out. Don’t bring those guys who would take that opportunity to pull out a Sharpie and go to town.

Just take a few aspirin before passing out,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Patrick,

I suspect there may be more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking. Can you help me find out what that is?

Thanks,
Beautiful-Looking Übermensch, Empty, Seeking True Enlightenment, Eschews Lefts

Dear BLUE STEEL,

I feel you, brother. We incredibly handsome fellows go through existential crises just like the normals, although ours are usually precipitated by awards shows and gasoline fights. Try devoting yourself to a worthy cause, like kids who don’t read good and want to learn to do other stuff good too. (Okay, just assume I make a few more Zoolander jokes here.)

Try going outside instead of sitting around quoting movies. Be more like Hansel and less like David Duchovny. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror and go have an adventure out in the sun. Admittedly, with winter coming, we’re probably not going to actually see the sun until March. You’d actually probably be better off staying inside, admiring your reflection, and quoting movies. I guess there really isn’t more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

Don’t kill the Malaysian prime minister,
Patrick Hoskins